It's not that the passengers were in danger, because we all realize that these "adorable children" were parroting their father's commands; rather, it is the hubris and subsequent suspension of authority when it comes to their children, that sometimes envelopes parents who are smitten with the self-esteem bug - or should I say self-esteemia. An 8-year-old should not feel qualified or competent to direct air traffic. Period.

Lenore Skenazy, author of "Free-Range Kids" (both the book and the blog), cautions: "Free Range does not mean free-wheeling. Or God forbid - free-falling."

Let's use this abuse of power as a life lesson. Children are not miniature adults. They are kids. And they need to be playing and learning. They need to find out how to be productive, to feel connected, and to ultimately acquire the skills to navigate on their own. Those are the criteria of youth development, not the job qualifications of an air traffic controller! They sure don't need to be navigating a plane with hundreds of passengers aboard, since they are developmentally incapable of navigating on their own at this age!

What's most alarming, however, is not the lapse in judgment on the part of the air traffic controller-dad, but rather the nonchalant acceptance by the pilot dads and moms, as well as some passenger-parents! "Wish I could bring my kid to work," quipped one. And if he were a surgeon?! Or a patient?!

Here's the point: kids don't want that much power! It is scary for them. They want their parents to be in charge and to guide them on the path toward adulthood. There is no good outcome when parents think they can catapult their children into the world of adults, not to mention down the runway. All they are doing is amusing - and indulging - themselves!

Let them be kids. Let them play. Play is the work of childhood, said Fred Rogers of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood fame, a widely acknowledged truth. The work of childhood certainly isn't directing aircraft on one of the busiest runways in the world.

This was a huge breach of "Bring Your Child to Work Day." Let the fallout be a concrete reminder to us as parents that children have to travel the runway to adulthood. There are no cards of "Chance," as in Monopoly, where you pass "Go" and collect $200!

These children could have gone to work with Dad on that designated February day and watched, with utmost respect and awe, as he commanded air traffic. They didn't need to literally walk in his shoes in order to understand what the job entailed. They should learn responsibility and resourcefulness and resilience at summer camp, not in the control tower. And they could aspire to one day earn the capability to sit in his chair.

It wasn't cute. It was a wake-up call to helicopter parents everywhere. Don't let them "fly" or direct others to fly until they are grown up!

My favorite question has become my own mantra in the week since I've returned from Denver, and it is effective even between adults: "So how's that going for you?" Closely related to the nonjudgmental statement, "Good luck with that." (The trick here is to say it without any hint of sarcasm; good luck with that!).

I assume that any parent who is reading this blog has a shared vision: take control of the home in loving ways. That said, allow me to elaborate on some of these amazing techniques. "What do you think will happen if...?" "Why are you telling me this?" "How are you intending to solve that problem?"

The best set of questions are the ones that ask the child to figure out the consequences or the outcome, especially when you aren't so sure of the upshot yourself! From my experience, I can assure you that often what the child comes up with is more pertinent and more stringent than what you might choose! Try some of these: "And what am I expecting right now?" "What do you think I'm thinking right now?" "What do you think is an appropriate consequence for your mistake?" You'll be enlightened by the answers!

And speaking of mistakes, change your filter. The philosophy of the Love and Logic Institute teaches parents how to hold their children accountable in a way that locks in "empathy, love, and understanding." It is rooted in the undeniable reality that mistakes are how children learn. Best question in the world, reveals Cline, is, "What have you learned from this?" Another is, "Can you tell me your strategy for helping....?"

Self-confidence, you see, is acquired through struggle and achievement. So don't rescue your child, or you will preclude him from developing his own internal voice which says, "I wonder how much pain I'm going to cause for myself with my next decision?"

Use empathy, advises Cline, to validate feelings. Master the one-liner: "That's so sad." "Nice try." "Thanks for sharing your thoughts." "What a bummer." In essence, his guidance is, "Go brain dead!"

And make sure you remember whose problem it is you are dealing with! Counselors do it all the time - "If I see you behaving in a way that would stop your leadership potential, I'll be honest with you." "Here are my hopes for you." "The way I work is...."

These are the steps to responsibility - pure questions without accusations, Cline summarizes. "What are you feeling?" "What was the choice you made?" "What are your thoughts now?" "Would you like to hear how others have handled it?" "What do you think you'll do next time?" "How do you think that will work out for you?" And the classic, my very favorite, "Good luck with that."

Oh, and one more thing, Cline suggests. Don't feel that you have to come up with a consequence on the spot. Give your child a chance to ruminate on some of the possibilities while you take the time to cool down and reflect on a punishment that is logical and natural, not punitive and vindictive. Remember, it's about the lesson, not retribution.

Helicopter parents, Cline opines, end up frustrated and with hostile, dependent children who can become resentful and rebellious. Rescue missions, for which both helicopters and helicopter parents are known, often end up with demands such as, "You're going to have to...." Instead, keep your sense of humor ("I tried that years ago.") And, above all, don't take it personally. Think about acceptance without approval. Who owns the problem? Whose idea was this?

Your goal, the psychiatrist asserts and I have evidenced, is to get kids to lecture themselves!! It's a wonderful tool that carries a lifelong lesson.

First Goleman: IQ was a number that used to predict a child's success as an adult. It was a bullseye along the continuum of educational attainment that was firmly fixed as a measurement of achievement. But that was the 20th century. And IQ has become less important since the millenium, as we increasingly become aware that emotional intelligence - or EQ - is a far better indicator of human success.

Bronson and Merryman address the inverse power of praise ("Sure, he's special. But new research suggests if you tell him that, you'll ruin him. It's a neurobiological fact.")

We are not, as it turns out, wired for greatness from birth. It seems that our achievement-oriented culture can mislead us. Christine Carter from the Science for Raising Happy Kids, explains, "We buy into the importance of having our children labeled as gifted early in life; we get carried away trying to pack too many activities into our kids' lives... we spend billions of dollars on gimmicky videos hoping to give our kids an academic edge."

Ironically, the markers of success are the softer skills, such as delaying gratification, impulse control, resilience, and empathy for others. There are no standardized tests to measure these emotional competencies. Yet studies confirm that children who learn to think for themselves, make good choices, and bounce back from adversity thrive in the work place as well as in their overall happiness quotient.

Self-awareness, it turns out, is the cornerstone of emotional intelligence, and emotional intelligence is shaped by experience. Survival skills are the mainstay in the backpack of life's perils.

There's the now-famous research study of the four-year-old and the marshmallow. The researcher explains: "You can have this marshmallow right now. But if you wait while I run an errand, you can have two marshmallows when I get back." And he leaves the room. Some children take the treat right away, while others find creative ways to resist the temptation. It turns out that those who were able to delay gratification grew up better adjusted, more confident, and more competent teenagers. There's more: when some of the students took the SATs years later, the ones who had held out longer scored an average of 210 points higher.

The "Nurture Shock" authors examined a set of positive emotions they dubbed "Supertraits:" resilience, gratitude, honesty, empathy, and fairness. Their theory: "If we could sufficiently arm children with Supertraits such as these, we hoped that problems would bounce off them just as easily as bullets bounced off Superman."

Enter summer camp. Or call it a summer learning environment. Whatever the nomenclature, it's the best place on earth for children to learn to think for themselves, where they can don their invisible cape That's because the camp community is designed with intentionality - to help children learn the social skills they need, to have positive role models, to demonstrate democracy and moral order, to provide supports and opportunities for children to practice growing up.

We're talking about how children learn - not about academic accomplishment. We need a galvanized effort with all out-of-school-time organizations, an anthem of sorts that seeks to layer emotional intelligence on cognitive intelligence, thereby producing a person's general intelligence. And parents need to be part of the chorus.

So, readers, I say, go for it! Teach your children to cope, to problem-solve, to gain stress tolerance and impulse control. Let them make their own choices and bear the consequences of their decisions. Help them build their self-confidence, and don't worry so much about their self-esteem. Resist the alarmist framing of so-called experts who inadvertently persuade you to tutor your 4-year-old who doesn't know every letter of the alphabet yet. Learning doesn't all happen in school.

Education and school are not synonymous. We can nurture the power of the heart, while we have less control over the destiny of the brain.

It's easy enough to fall into the trap of viewing parenting as a type of product development, a 21st century phenomena that sort of crept up on us because of our best intentions! In part, that's because 30 years ago, it was the job of parents to expose their children to the outside world, and today it is their job to protect them from it, explains anthropologist Mary Pipher.

"Fear is a kind of parenting fungus: invisible, insidious, perfectly designed to decompose your peace of mind," muses Nancy Gibbs, a Time Magazine columnist. And that fear is doubled-edged: we're talking fear of failure as well as of physical danger.

The culprits, I believe, from anecdotal evidence, are also two-sided: post 9/11 angst in conjunction with technologies, such as cell phones and texting, that are conducive to a parent-child tether. I didn't have to contend with either of these, which is why I think my overparenting tendencies fell short of the coveted obsessive category. Frankly, unless I was willing to be housebound Monday through Friday, I couldn't know if my child had gotten sick or injured at school. I know it sounds incredible - like in the olden days before there was air - but there were no cell phones! The liberating thing about that so-called limitation was that my children learned to navigate on their own; they had to rely upon their own choices and suffer the consequences of any poor ones. I couldn't smother them if I wanted to. Today, with the best of intentions, parents are dodging the snowballs of life for their kids, rendering those children risk-averse and incapable of fending for themselves.

I've discussed this phenomenon before - snowplow parents says Hana Estroff Marano in "A Nation of Wimps" - who figuratively drive their snow removal SUVs down the road to clear the path of any snowbanks or other obstacles. The problem, of course, is that their children don't have the opportunities to build resilience, because there is no adversity for them to overcome!

And there's another issue: unintentional abdication of responsibility on the part of the parents, who in their zeal to plot a course through their child's world, hire so-called experts to make decisions on their behalf! Enter the Pre-Baby Planner, for example, who decides how the nursery should be arranged, what should be in it, and how the prospective parents should mentally and emotionally prepare for this arrival. As Lenore Skenazy, founder of the Free-Range Parenting Movement, opines, "...It's good to remember that humans have been raising mini-humans for hundreds of thousands of years, and until now we managed to do it without hiring someone to pick out the perfect rocking chair."

So is it any wonder that when these children go off to college they are labeled "teacups" and "crispies" because of their fragility?! The term "helicopter parent," so designated because of the hovering penchant of parents, has rendered metaphorical stalled engines in their offspring. If you need evidence, consider the new generation of "stealth fighter parents," who no longer float overhead constantly but "can be counted on for a surgical strike just when the high school musical is being cast or the starting lineup chosen," observes Gibbs.

Interestingly, as a direct result of the 2009 economic downturn, families have had to make forced choice decisions about extra-curricular activities, and they have found unexpected positive outcomes of their children picking up "leisure" time for play.

(By the way, summer camp is definitely not one of those "discretionary" choices! It is a vital component of a child's total educational package, proffering life skills that cannot be gleaned elsewhere. You could even say it's an antidote to overparenting, because children are learning to find the way on their own in a community created for them to practice growing up.)

Mea culpa. As a mom of the '70s who also raised her children to give them every "emotional, intellectual, and material advantage"(Motherlode's Lisa Belkin), I get it, though I stopped short of kindergarten tutoring or calling the high school guidance counselor to protests grades. But now, as a camp professional who works with children and families and who has a different perspective on the end result of these best intentions, I advocate for "letting go." As psychiatrist Gail Saltz observes, that is not the same as "letting down."

Become a fan of Slow Parenting, the antithesis of overparenting. Let them learn by doing, by making mistakes, by bouncing back, by making choices for which they are accountable. Trust that you have salted the road by instilling values that will inform healthy choices.

Hey, you might even purchase a baby T-shirt at Honestbaby.com that says, "I'll walk when I'm good and ready."

If you've been reading Campfire Stories, then you already know how I feel - as an educator and camp professional who has literally thousands of anecdotal stories - that summer camp is not discretionary. But don't take my word for it: there is outcomes research that comes to the same conclusion. Opportunities for growth and development exist in natural settings that promote experiential learning, improve social skills and physical fitness, teach children to take calculated risks in a safe environment, and expand the creative mind.

We've known about the value of a camp experience for more than 100 years, but today we are at a critical crossroads because education reform has become a hot button topic of conversation among those who think that lengthening the school day and/or the school year can ameliorate academic achievement lags.

I've already written an essay (local copy) about why that hypothesis is faulty. Peg Smith, the CEO of the American Camp Association, echoes: "Teaching children to pass standardized tests doesn't necessarily teach them to think for themselves. Education is about more than teaching answers; it's about equipping our kids with the ability to develop the art of seeing possibilities."

Camp is, in fact, the quintessential experiential classroom. It is an extension of traditional education, a component of learning that addresses a different set of "R's" from Academia's classic "Reading, 'Riting, and 'Rithmatic." At camp, children learn about Respect, Responsibility, Resourcefulness, and Resilience. Youth development research is quite clear on this topic: children cannot become successful adults without these competencies, regardless of the amount of textbook learning they have acquired.

There are three identified components to positive youth development. Children need to be productive, to feel connected, and to be able to navigate on their own.

The education reform discussion often focuses on summer learning loss which has been documented among children who do not engage in educational activities during the summer. But camp IS an educational activity, and so it not only enhances a child's social education but also prevents the median loss of two to three months of grade equivalency for those who are not in a learning environment.

Here's my call to action: Be a part of the conversation and advocate for camp as a vital component of education reform. We need to educate Education Secretary Arne Duncan and decision-makers across the country about the value of a camp experience. We have to dispel myths about year-round education taking place only in schools. Seize every opportunity you can find to inform the discussion.

For starters, log on to CampParents.org and follow the prompts to share your concerns with your local media. There you will find a template letter to the editor, which you can edit to be specific to your family. You can open the advocacy tool and type in your zip code, thereby selecting all the media contacts in your vicinity.

As Peg underscores, "Camp is a solution to many of the gaps in our current education system. It teaches values such as self-esteem, teamwork, and caring; areas where traditional schools sometimes cause more detriment than good." She goes on to point out that a camp experience allows everyone, not just the "A" student, to thrive.

I'll take that notion one step further. At camp, everyone gets all "A's" - athletics, arts, aquatics, and adventure are the vehicles through which children learn life skills and hone their abilities to invent themselves. That's where success is measured.

The experiential classroom: No grades. No permanent records. All "A's."

The problem with this approach of "love withdrawal" is that it does not promote moral development, because children learn to respond to what we want, but they don't especially find out for themselves what is right and why it is right. Research confirms that this sort of compliance comes at a steep price: In a survey by Edward Deci, Avi Assor, and Guy Roth, 100 college students were asked if the love they received from their parents correlated with their success in school, their athletic achievement, and their consideration of others. The respondents tended to resent and dislike their parents, and they also felt a "strong internal pressure" rather than a "real sense of choice."

"Children learn how to make good decisions by making decisions, not by following directions," Kohn clarifies. That is the premise upon which camp communities across the country are created. Camp is the best demonstration of moral order and democracy, because the community is intentionally sculpted to enable children to practice growing up - by making their own good choices in a safe, healthy, and planned environment.

The bonus, of course, is that their parents aren't there to pull any marionette strings, so kids learn to depend upon their own good judgment - with the coaching and positive role-modeling of their counselors.

Do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. Not because someone is watching and might catch you if you do the wrong thing. Not because your parents told you they would buy you a present. Not because your parents told you they would not buy you a present. Not because your friends put pressure on you.

I like "Supernanny" Jo Frost (and she certainly is a "child-saver" for dysfunctional families!), but her presupposition that the best rewards are attention, praise, and love don't do much for instilling values that will guide children through the rest of their lives - when their parents are no longer there to turn the love off when the behavior is bad. A college student is not going to benefit much from an isolating discipline technique such as a "time out"; nor will "positive reinforcement" from a distance provide the guiding motivation for making a good choice.

The best results, rather, are obtained from unconditional acceptance with a goal to raise caring, competent, strong adults who are independent, self-disciplined, and resilient. How do they achieve this moral development? By having lots and lots of opportunities to cultivate their own set of values, which in turn become their own ethical platform for good decision-making. It's empowering and life-affirming.

Another study at the University of Rochester examined the behavior of ninth graders, both when giving more approval when children did what parents wanted and giving less when they did not. The studies found that both positive and negative conditional parenting were harmful. While the former approach sometimes yielded the byproduct of children succeeding at working harder on academic tasks, the cost was unhealthy feelings of "internal compulsion."

"What these and other studies tell us, if we're able to hear the news, is that praising children for doing something right isn't a meaningful alternative to pulling back or punishing when they do something wrong," opines Kohn.

The data derives that unconditional parenting is the way to go! However, there is an essential accompanying component to this parenting style:

It's called Autonomy Support, and it goes like this: explain reasons for request, maximize opportunities for your child to participate in making good decisions, be encouraging without manipulation, and actively imagine how things look from your child's point of view.

Camp, of course, is one great place to start, because there is a clear and fair set of rules by which every member of the community abides. Within the boundaries of emotional and physical safety that are part of the infrastructure of camp, kids get to make good choices and be accountable for their decisions. They develop the 3 R's of summer learning: responsibility, respect, and resilience.

The skills of principled decision-making are much more effective than time-outs, positive reinforcements, or bribes. It's with an internal moral compass that our children will find their own way in this world as adults - long after we are not beside them to tell them what to do.

Make it a mantra: "Do the right thing because it's the right thing to do."

[Campfire] Stories to Read Together

"You Are My I Love You" by Maryann Cusimano
"Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch
"Mama, Do You Love Me" by Barbara Joose
"The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein
"Oh, The Thinks You Can Think" by Dr. Seuss

It seems to me (and anecdotal evidence bears it out) that many people (those who have not themselves had a camp experience or whose children have not) simply don't know what opportunities for personal greatness fall by the wayside because they or their children haven't passed through the gates of camp on their way to adulthood. While the American Camp Association has mobilized its almost 3,000 members to ensure a "20/20 Vision," the words do not automatically translate into accomplishment. The shorthand conversation for us professionals is that we pledge to do everything we can so that 20 million children will have had a camp experience by the Year 2020. Achieving that goal would mean that double the number of young people would attend camp.

And if, indeed, those words were to signal action, then there will be an additional 10 million children whose social education grows along with their academic learning, resulting in children who become more respectful, more responsible, and more resilient - because that is the syllabus of the camp experience, regardless of the grade or age of the camper.

When Mary Travers, the Mary of Peter, Paul & Mary, died recently, I was reminded of the galvanizing force the trio had in effecting positive social change decades ago. Whether it was "Blowin' in the Wind" or "If I Had a Hammer," the message was clear - and their voices rang out with conviction, leveraging a groundswell of support for their ideals.

Perhaps it's time for Peter (of Peter, Paul & Mary) Yarrow's catalyst song and theme for his world-wide anti-bullying campaign (Operation Respect), "Don't Laugh at Me," to become the next anthem for the current generation. And if enough children get to go to camp in the next 10 years, there could be a sea change to civility, tolerance, and acceptance much as America has the potential, according to President Obama, for a "global plan [to] set our sights on the eradication of extreme poverty in our time."

"Rebrand. Restart. Reboot." Bono talks about the Millenium Goals, a global set of commitments made nine years ago, to halve extreme poverty by 2015. "In dangerous, clangorous times, the idea of America rings like a bell," Bono suggests.

Instead of thinking that improving national math scores will lead us out of murky times, or that adding days and/or hours to the school calendar will provide the missing cues to eradicate the world's overwhelming issues (poverty, war, climate change, economic instability....), let's take a new look at the camp experience and attach a different lens -- camp's importance as an essential component of a child's education:

Because it is only at camp -- where children are unencumbered by walls, filters, and grades -- that they can leave their comfort zones and take healthy risks to invent and re-invent themselves; where they can learn their role as belonging and contributing members of society; and where they can bounce back from adversity in a nurturing environment in which adults are trained to "catch them when they fall" in both the literal and metaphorical sense.

Research underscores camp's three pillars of hope: intimacy with nature, authentic human connections, and human-powered activities.

The world is ready to embrace a new idealogy - one of collaboration and collegiality and transparency - regardless of political affiliation or personal propensity. Pundits generally agree that is why the Nobel Peace Prize was bestowed upon America's primary representative, the President of the United States.

Carpe diem! So many life lessons will be learned at camp - let's make sure every child passing through childhood on the road to adulthood in these next 10 pivotal years benefits from a camp experience - it's the best demonstration of moral order and democracy.

Camp: It's good for life!

Delaying gratification is one of the life skills that each of us must master on our journey to adulthood; and if we happen to have ADHD, all the more reason to practice those proficiencies. Those "special wristbands" that enable a child to opt out of society by being excused from following the rules are boomerangs. Contrary to the UK's Disability Discrimination Act which asserts that this policy avoids temper tantrums, I advocate for standing in line to develop tolerance.

I also suggest to parents of children who have a diagnosis on the spectrum that they find more, not fewer, opportunities to practice waiting. Camp is one of those rare environments, where all children thrive because there is a moral and democratic order to community living; there is a sense of wellbeing around predictability, rituals, and traditions; and there is an intentionality about coaching social skills.

In fact, the Landscape and Human Health Laboratory at the University of Illinois has shown that direct exposure to nature relieves the symptoms of attention deficit disorders. Richard Louv, author of "Last Child in the Woods," also indicates that increased contact with nature can improve problem-solving, creativity, self-esteem, and self-discipline (i.e., waiting on line!).

Meanwhile, there is an ever-increasing number of children being diagnosed "because of growing awareness, ongoing strides in research, and improved diagnosis techniques," according to Robbie Woliver, author of "Alphabet Kids." In Britain, the Department of Health cites that one in 10 has at least one clinical disorder. Especially with this surge in identification, we must be careful not to let the diagnosis become an excuse for behavior that otherwise could be managed.

Parents tell me all the time that certain negative behaviors in their children are present at home and absent at camp. That's because there is a high bar of accountability at camp: the ADHD or Asperger's child learns to conform to expectations of positive behavior by observing those around him. This is hardly a criticism of caring parents who are willing to do anything to normalize their child's growing up experiences, but rather a call to action to hold those same children to a standard to which they can aspire. In other words, they can - and should - wait in line at an amusement park!

One parent laments that others sometimes "think I've been out shopping for Daniel's diagnosis because I'm either needy or neurotic." These so-called "alphabet kids" (OCD, ODD, ASD, SD...) want - and deserve - responsibility to their own social education. To do otherwise is to send them the unspoken message that they cannot do it (whatever "it" is), that they are incapable in our eyes.

Alas, I am back to the subject of camp, where counselors are trained that children are people first and not labels. In fact, camp is a place where all children come to change the labels they have brought with them. At camp, their own actions show them that they can shed a "lazy" label for one of "perseverance." Colin Troy, a special education teacher, opines that a label of a particular diagnosis becomes a "medical excuse for children's behavior." Woliver adds that sometimes the many "alphabet disorders can be so blurringly amorphous that they can blend into a kind of diagnostic soup."

Here's the silver lining with the increased identification of developmental disorders: they can be helpful signposts to specific interventions, says
Troy. We need to make sure we use the information to help our children become upstanding citizens who are happy and successful adults - not to cut the lines at Disney World.

I am prompted to reflect on this topic after reading Lorraine Duffy Merkl's "Complaint Box" piece on Camp Bullies in the New York Times. While she legitimately flags her concern that relational aggression is taking place, I think she may have leaped to a conclusion that the camp director was dismissing her when he replied that her daughter should "learn to ignore stuff." It sounds like there was a counselor, who was trained in conflict resolution, to facilitate the intervention. Children also need opportunities to practice articulating and sorting out their issues. That's the only way we can truly inoculate them against future verbal assaults.

Child and family therapist Bob Ditter opines, "Bullying is a lazy term. It tells us nothing about specific behavior - what a child is actually doing or saying - that is so hurtful. It is a kind of 'one-size-fits-all' label that offers no insight about the meaning or cause of the behavior." He points out that children today are "extremely verbal" when unraveling issues related to "loyalty, popularity, favoritism or healthy ways to express anger."

Here's the hard part to hear: socially aggressive girls "often come from families with a highly competitive parent or older sibling who is also socially aggressive." We need to model the right behaviors at home, provide appropriate consequences in a non-judgmental way to the offenders, teach our children to cope if they are victims, and definitely coach them not to be bystanders! Practice is imperative to acquire these skills, and children need to learn to navigate on their own through the whitewaters of growing-up stuff.

That's where camp, of course, becomes an incredible opportunity, because trained, caring counselors can set the asset-building in motion with real-life incidents - but those friendship-enduring skills still must be reinforced and modeled at home, and from the earliest age.

One successful program is aptly named "Bullies to Buddies," with multiple resources including a book and a game. Some good language that is helpful for reinforcing a tease-free stance:
• "We don't do that here."
• "That's not okay."
• "How can we make this right?"
• "What are your options?"

The American Camp Association partners with "Take a Stand," an important program module designed by Dr. Joel Haber for camps to establish a culture that bullying is inexcusable; it includes both staff training and parenting components.

One of the best children's book I know is "Simon's Hook" by Karen Burnett, a story about teases and put-downs with strategies for dealing with bullying - which also are the basic lessons for dealing with life. The story about Simon helps children realize, with a fishing analogy, that they have choices and can "swim free" of feeling helpless, trapped, or powerless.

And that is my overarching call to action: as parents, we cannot leave this job to teachers and counselors only - we need to partner with the professionals and reinforce this empowering coaching, because if our child winds up in a situation with less than optimal adult help, we want to make sure they can unhook themselves from the baited fishing line.

The greatest gifts we can give our children are the tools they need to believe in their own abilities to bounce back from life's adversities.

Tuck-in Tips

• Did you ever feel like you weren't a "free fish" (like Simon) anymore?
• What are some of the ways you could handle that situation, now that you have read "Simon's Hook" and know some of Grandma Rose's suggestions?
• Let's name five ways to avoid getting "caught" by teasing.

For the non-camp people - or if you would like affirmation and/or research to back your own anecdotal experience - click here to read my article, "Keep Camp in Summer," which was published in Newsday on July 5.

I would personally love to hear what you think and will also share your thoughts with the folks at the American Camp Association who are passionate about providing a camp experience for every child.

It's been called the longest umbilical cord in the world. That's because the cell phone -- and its related capability for texting - keeps kids and parents tethered throughout the day, unintentionally preventing children from making their own decisions and navigating their own world. Ironically, as millions across the country get ready for camp -- the last bastion of an independence-fostering community for young people -- the anticipated frenzy of working without a net, i.e., a cell phone, has found its way to the forefront of conversation!

Leaving the phone at home is a lot more than symbolic, especially in a world where children are more likely "in their free time to check their Facebook page than read a book," according to English professor Mark Bauerlein, who wrote "The Dumbest Generation: How the Digital Age Stupifies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future."

It's actually a fascinating distinction: modern technology, Bauerlein asserts, encourages children to think that they are the center of the universe. The camp community, in contrast, is centered on being a part of something bigger than oneself! The author goes on to say, "Parents must do more to pull their teens away from technology, including being role models...."

"Being off the grid may be the best thing for chill-challenged teens," says Gary Rudman, author of gTrend Report.

ParentDish.com asks the question: "Isn't getting outside of your comfort zone kind of the point of summer camp? It's not just about eating s'mores and learning to paddle a canoe. It's about growing through experiences that might initially feel uncomfortable to both teens and their parents."

That said, I have a bold proposal: not only should campers leave their cell phones at home when they go to camp, but so should parents when they visit camp! It's a golden opportunity for both generations to enjoy the best of what camp has to offer - time to connect with others, with nature, and with oneself.

"Big Chickens Fly the Coop" by Leslie Helakoski is a rollicking story of four chickens who venture from their cozy coop, ultimately conquering their fears and achieving their goals. The silly adventures and alliterative language provide a perfect backdrop for the positive aspects of confronting anxieties head-on.

Psychologist Chris Thurber observes, "Remember that camp is not... a breaking news story. It's community living, away from home, in a natural, recreational setting. Nothing needs to be transmitted at the speed of light. Plus, children are exposed to electronic technology all year. It's nice for them to have a break during the summer... Unplugging the digital umbilical promotes healthy growth and self-reliance."

As for parents, turning off the cell phone has its well-documented benefits, not the least of which is giving parents the chance to be totally present for their children, once they enter the hallowed gates of camp. Everyone knows that this is a sanctuary, a respite from the "real world" and its accompanying demands of rapid responses. Imagine giving your child two gifts - the gift of camp AND the gift of your full attention!

That's the real definition of wireless interpersonal networking!

Tuck-in Tips

• Talk about a time when you really wanted to do something new but were afraid to try.
• What do you think you could do next time in a similar situation?
• Talk about a time when you were proud of yourself because you made a decision by yourself.

But let's stay with the food metaphor for a moment: slow food, a movement designed to counteract the fast food and the fast life, is a perfect illustration of the conundrum of what has become known as over-parenting, an inclination to raise children with a business plan. The tendency toward hyper-worry and hyper-connection which has flourished in the past decade was fueled in part by the "trophy kid syndrome" and in part by visceral post-9/11 fear.

Both understandable. But probably, experts tell us, not the best approach for bringing up resilient, courageous, and independent children.

I like Lenore Skenazy's description of the new emerging attitude that might actually let kids be kids and enjoy their childhoods without the overarching, fear-mongering filters of adult worries: "free-range parenting" she tags it. A lot better method than "hothouse parenting," another moniker attached to parents of the Homeland Generation (born in 2001 and later), because it brings to mind the notion of engineered fruits and vegetables. (Think hothouse tomato.)

Somewhere between the two extremes on the continuum of parenting lies the loving and firm approach, which leaves room both for acts of unconditional love as well as tough love, best characterized as giving kids opportunities to learn how to bounce back from adversity.

Maybe we could have "roasted parenting," where the goal is to "retain as much flavor as possible while at the same time providing texture and color." Okay, you get it. But can you do it?!

It requires a leap of faith, to be sure, in today's environment; but just imagine the possibilities - if we keep this metaphor in the kitchen, children and parents both would no longer be fried to a crisp (Psychologist and author Wendy Mogel refers to college students as "Crispies")!

Here's where camp comes into focus, if I might digress - a perfect bridge because children are in the hands of trained, caring counselors who provide physical and emotional safety nets while still having opportunities to connect with nature, with others, and with themselves by making their own choices and solving their own problems - yet out of view from parents whose predilection is to create cages of protection. Karen Reivich, author of "The Resilience Factor," explains that "resiliency lies in the space between a parent and a child." Doesn't that conjure up a positive image of "free-range parenting?"

I can't resist this segue: "The Chicken-Chasing Queen of Lamar County" by Janice M. Harrington, is a delightful story about a little girl who loves to chase chickens and who learns to change her ways after numerous missteps. The first person narrative describes the child's discoveries and subsequent change in perspective when she realizes that Miss Hen, a new mama, is cuddling "fuzzy chicks tight beneath her wing." Indeed, this free-ranging chicken ultimately teaches the little girl a life lesson that otherwise would not be nearly as impactful had she been sheltered from the actual encounter. As an extra treat, the illustrations are gorgeous and the language is "delicious," according to one reviewer.

Lisa Belkin expressed it well - presumed "parenting truths are really only parenting trends." I see that as really good news. Think about it for just a moment - this could be the start of something big, a movement that frees the parent as well as the child! Baby steps.

And if you need a visual, consider the chicken's two pre-ordained options: locked in a cage where he cannot get into difficulty but also cannot learn about the world, or roaming free on land that has boundaries nevertheless where he can explore his surroundings and develop his decision-making skills.

Tuck-in Tips

• Talk about a mistake you have made. What did you learn from it?
• Talk about a time where you really succeeded at something and surprised yourself!
• What does Big Mama mean when she says, "You can do anything you want if you put your mind to it?"

It's not just me shouting from a soap box as a camp director.

It's the research! Read it for yourself. Hear it from children who have benefited from a camp experience. Listen to parents underscore their kids' growth in the essential 4Rs of camp: respect, responsibility, resilience, and resourcefulness.

The American Academy of Pediatrics verifies the anecdotal studies: "It is through play that children at a very early age engage and interact with the world they can master, conquering fears while practicing adult roles. Creative free play protects a child's emotional development and reduces a child's risk of stress, anxiety, and depression."

Just ask some successful adults who decided to let today's parents know how camp changed their lives. Each of these celebrities attributes their camp experience to helping them invent or reinvent themselves. If you are skeptical, see and hear in their own words how their lives were improved "Because of camp."

Some of the blog comments (not on this site!) I've recently read, in response to media stories, point out the difference between "camp people" and "non-camp people"! If you've never been to camp yourself, it's truly hard to understand the intangible value of a camp experience, where each person knows they belong, feels connected, and is confident that they make a contribution and a difference to the world around them as a part of something bigger than themselves. If nothing else, camp is an antidote to the Narcissistic Epidemic chronicled by Jeanne Twenge and W. Keith Campbell! And it is still so much more, affording endless opportunities for closeness with nature, authentic connections, and human-powered activities.

I am saddened when parents are led down a path that encourages them to think of camp as a luxury. Today, more than ever, camp is vital in the context of our technology-tethered and pre-filtered society. Dr. Michael Thompson, a school psychologist and co- author of Raising Cain, says quite specifically that our children are paying for the loss of free play with: obesity, high stress levels, increasing diagnosis of ADHD, depression and emotional fragility, social incompetence, excessive dependence on adults, and the loss of a relationship with nature.

Camp is about a lot more than s'mores and songs. And, try as we might, even well-intentioned parents cannot fill the social educational needs with home-designed summer outings and one-on-one activities, even if they include more than mall trips and video-game arcades. Kids need to navigate on their own - make mistakes and decisions, problem-solve, find leadership opportunities... learn how to bounce back from adversity as well as practice making human connections beyond texting and Twittering.

For those gap times at home, you might leave this book on the coffee table for the camp-aged set or flip through it together with younger children: 101 Things You Gotta Do Before You're 12! by Joanne O'Sullivan. Many of the ideas in this bucket-list book for kids are rooted in values that are part of the camp community. In fact, you could think of the camp experience as one infinite bucket list!

Deepak Chopra may have said it best: "There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in." This summer, it might just be camp. It certainly needs to be on everyone's annual bucket list!

Tuck-in Tips

• Name 3 things on your bucket list!
• What are you looking forward to at camp this summer?
• Talk about something for the family bucket list.

Mother's Day. While I bask in the traditions and rituals of being honored once a year by my sons, my daughter-in-law, and even my husband, I also think that this is a holiday during which I should in turn pay tribute to them! John Carter Cash expresses the reciprocal feelings in his ode to his mom, which he wrote in response to her life-long expression to him of unconditional love.

"Momma Loves Her Little Son" is a celebration in itself of the enduring bond between mother and child, a magical adventure that takes them over mountains and skyscrapers, through forests and streams, sailing on rainbows and dreams. Yes, Mom (June Carter) is always by his side, ready to intervene whenever he needs her.

Oops. I think that's where we moms (and dads) often run into trouble. It's that unconditional love "thing" that trips us up. How do we teach our kids to enjoy the challenges and embrace the failures while still making sure they know how durable our love is for them?

Cash compares a mother's love to the toughness of a rhino's hide and the eagerness of planted seeds in winter. You know, it occurs to me that we can harness the power of a mother's love to support our children while not giving them the impression of entitlement.

Jeanne Twenge, author of "Generation Me," and Keith Campbell have just written a book called "The Narcissistic Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement." Jeanne explains that the goal should be about achieving, not winning. Unfortunately, our culture has taken the "winning" fork in the road and needs to get back on the "achieving" course before the narcissistic predispositions of today's children land them at a dead-end. Effort and practice trump self-esteemia (the syndrome that arises from too good a self- image!) and self-admiration.

Jeanne's advice to parents to avoid narcissism and its accompanying flaws and shortcomings is distilled into four key messages:
• Say "no" and mean it.
• Don't give your child too much.
• Be careful about the messages you are sending.
• Don't buy anything that says how great your child is.

This counsel is not easy to follow against the backdrop of a society where we also are told that we can alter our children's I.Q., give them stimulants to improve their test scores, and administer standardized tests (albeit with cuddly names) to kindergarteners.

Interestingly, though, Professor Richard Nisbett, who recently demolished the notion that I.Q. is inherited only, provides suggestions for boosting genetic predisposition:

• Praise efforts more than achievements.
• Teach delayed gratification.
• Tell middle school students that they can expand their own intelligence and help shape it.

These tactics are consistent with research from The Greater Good Science Center. Dr. Christine Carter details that "kids who reported facing more challenges in their lives were far happier than the kids who reported fewer (or no) challenges. That means not only is failure critical to success but it's also a cornerstone of happiness."

She concludes, "The thing we need to protect our kids from is not failure but a life void of failure."

Winning, or being the best, or having an inflated sense of self all are symptoms of that dangerous disease - narcissism -- that we sometimes, with the best of intentions, confuse with unconditional love.

On Mother's Day, let's all raise our glasses to the benefits of making mistakes and learning from failures!

Tuck-in Tips

• What are some dreams or wishes you can picture in your imagination where a parent is helping you get there?
• Can you think of something you might achieve on your own, and how do you think that would make you feel?
• Talk about a time when you had to do something hard. Were you able to do it? If not, what did you learn for the next time you try something similar?

I recently found myself "defending" the position of parents today whose job it has become, in our post-9/11 environment, to protect their children from the outside world (anthropologist and author Mary Pipher ["Reviving Ophelia"] pointed that out to me when she explained that it used to be the job of parents to expose their children to the outside world).

I was thinking about how helicopter parents - hovering overhead - have morphed into snowplow parents - on the ground, smoothing out the path - and it occurred to me that this metamorphosis is not unlike the life cycle of the butterfly, especially when considered in the context of our society.

A quick science lesson: every butterfly begins its life as an egg. When it first hatches from its egg, it is a very small caterpillar which has one job only - to eat! It faces a challenge, however, in that its skin cannot keep pace with its growth, and so it grows a new skin underneath the outer skin. This process of shedding the outer skin is called molting, and it is repeated four times; the fifth time it goes through the cycle of eating, growing, and molting, however, its new skin forms the outer shell of the chrysalis, during which time the body of the caterpillar is transforming into an adult butterfly. Once its wings are developed (approximately two weeks later), it emerges as a butterfly, although it cannot fly until its wings dry and it exercises flight muscles.

Is it any wonder that parents face a daunting challenge when they are expected to resist their instinctive urge to rescue their hungry caterpillars along life's path?!

To that rhetorical question, I respond: we need to try not to interfere with nature! Rather, we can insulate our children, leaving plenty of room for growing and spreading of wings, by giving them safe places in which to develop. That brings me to the cocoon of camp (the chrysalis' counterpart for the moth), that silken "house" that is built to cushion children from the inevitable hardships of the outside world.

It's just too perfect a metaphor to ignore. Camp changes children. We know that both anecdotally and from outcomes research conducted by Philliber Research in collaboration with the American Camp Association. Specifically, campers said, "Camp helped me make new friends... get to know kids who are different from me... feel good about myself... and do things I was afraid to do at first." Parents observed, "At camp, my child gained self-confidence... continues to participate in the activities he or she learned at camp... and remains in contact with friends made at camp."

It's what I often refer to as the 3 R's of camp: responsibility, respect, and resilience. And there's a fourth one, too - resourcefulness. With these attributes, which are best developed through supports and opportunities of a community created expressly for them, our children will transform into successful adults. But there are no shortcuts; we cannot bypass a stage of the life cycle; they must endure the arduous process of growing up by learning to navigate the world on their own - making decisions and sometimes mistakes, using their brains to solve problems, and even losing out on missed opportunities.

"The Very Hungry Caterpillar" by Eric Carle graphically narrates (yes, there are chomped holes in the book!) the caterpillar turning into a butterfly by crawling on the floor and eating, spinning into a cocoon (poetic license, I guess!), and popping out with fluttering wings.

If you are feeling especially inspired by this metaphor, you could even order caterpillars online and observe the process first-hand, serving two potential functions: a lesson for your child and a reminder for yourself!

Tuck-in Tips

• How are children sometimes like caterpillars?
• Talk about a time when you handled a situation by yourself without needing a grownup's help.
• If you could change just one thing about yourself, what would it be?