Feathering the Nest
Breaking news. The survey says... There is life after the children leave home! Two studies out this week confirm what we Baby Boomers learned anecdotally after our kids left. I'll get to that in a minute, but you don't have to take my word for it.
AARP the Magazine, the definitive voice for Americans who are 50+, found that retirees are happier in their marriages (let's not talk about the other results which report that they do more housework and have less sex!).
A University of California at Berkeley study tracked the relationships of dozens of women who said that their marriages improved once the kids "flew the coop." Said one mom, "We were a couple again, two individuals who chose to be together and to live together... We didn't have to focus 100 percent on raising children." Another opined, "At first it was very quiet, but there is a lot of good in the lack of noise. We got good at having conversations. Our time is about us."
If you are reading this post and have young children at home, I am sure you are thinking that these studies must be flawed! I, too, at that stage could not imagine life without the kids, and often fretted about what my existence would be like after they both were out of the nest. Maybe I was a martyr, spinning plates in the air like the juggler in the circus, but it felt productive and worthy of being a good mom.
My own epiphany came the night before our youngest, Ross, left for college; Jordan already was away at school. As the three of us sat down to the dinner table that evening, I was feeling a little melancholy; Ross looked sorrowfully at me and said, "I think this is going to be very hard for you, Mom." In that instant, a tentative flush of glee enveloped me, and before I could filter my thoughts, I blurted out: "I don't think so!"
What happened was that I recalled an "aha" moment. While riding the chairlift at a ski resort the previous winter, I met a fellow skier who was about 10 years older than I; she remarked to me matter-of-factly, "Isn't it great when the kids grow up and the dog dies?" A little harsh, but she certainly gave me food for thought - and I managed not to fall off the chairlift.
I could suddenly picture all those plates in the air (carpool, after-school activities, sports team spectating, sleepovers, wishing the car back into the driveway when they were behind the wheel....) come comfortably to rest, one by one. In that brief fantasy, I saw myself setting the table with those very plates. Adding candlelight. Soothing music. An uninterrupted 4-course meal (take-out of course!) for my husband and me. And a deeply rewarding image of my son walking confidently off into a new life - one in which I would always have a vested interest, but one in which he would draw upon the values we had instilled to create his own niche in this world.
Shel Silverstein makes the point in "The Giving Tree," in which the tree starts out by providing shelter and continues to change in accordance with the boy's needs. The tree gave and gave and gave until she had nothing left to give: "Once there was a tree... and she loved a little boy." The tree is every mother, and the sadness felt by the tree is the emotion experienced by every mother when her child has grown up. But it doesn't have to be that way, because there is a whole, new untapped adventure on the other side of the child-raising mountain -- for both children and parents.
What's the take-home message? Try to preserve your own identity during those growing-up years so that you may rekindle your relationship with your spouse after the years of requisite catering to the kids. You'll always be Mom or Dad to them, but someday, before you turn around, you'll also be "honey" and "dear" to each other again.
"Hang in there," says Sara Gorchoff of UC Berkeley. "Don't wait until your kids are gone to schedule quality time with your partner," adds psychologist colleague Oliver John.
Do you have a designated date night? A secret signal for each other that celebrates your relationship? A regularly scheduled sleep-out at Grandma's and Grandpa's? Please comment below and share your ideas about feathering the nest so that when the babies depart, there remains a cozy home for the original lovebirds!
Interesting that one of my children's favorite stories was "The Giving Tree" and I often felt that I was the tree. I, a single mother, used to come home from long, stressful hours at the office to the overwhelming demands of my three boys and many times I resented that my sap was being drained. It seemed that no matter how exhausted I was, mentally and physically, there was homework to check, then spelling drills, complaints to listen to, arguments about bedtime, etc. Now, that the brood is out of the house and I can focus on myself, I miss not being with them. So, we e-mail, we talk on our cells, we text message, but we are not together night after night. I would trade anything to return to those days when I could hardly keep my head up and my eyes opened while we reviewed the Latin declension. Perhaps, I should amend this and say well it would be nice to recapture history just one night a week, or maybe once a month.
Thanks for sharing from your vantage point! I was remiss in not addressing single parenthood in my post. The same questions and observations actually apply, although single parents may have even more spinning plates. Even more important, then, to find some "me" time!
I know that as soon as my son was born I took on this "Mom" role and would refuse peoples help and refuse offers of "relief" from my precious little baby, I mean I had loving, truly loving relatives and friends that would practically beg me to "take him off my hands". What on earth were they talking about? Why wouldn't I want to be there for my new baby's every minute, every spit- up, every EVERYTHING?! Were they nuts?, this is MY BABY!!!!! 2 months later I realized I hadn't spoken to my husband unless it was to tell him what bottle to clean or that the baby needed a diaper change. He told me he missed me and I was floored, what did he mean, he missed me? We live on top of each other! It was then that I realized I should have taken advantage of all the help I was offered and been a girlfriend to my husband, which I prefer being over a wife (only because the connotations that come along with being a girlfriend are that much more fun and romantic to me!!) So yes people think I'm nuts when I refer to my husband as my boyfriend but it's just something that works for us!!! We date each other every weekend, with friends and without. And with time we've come to realize how in love with each other we really are :) Unfortunately I know everyone can't spend time alone with their spouse every weekend and I truly feel blessed that we can and it's because of my family and how important we are to them that we can "get away" AND THE TRUTH IS, THE LONG STORY SHORT IS...that I am that much better of a mommy because I do have time away from my kids and I come back to them refreshed and eager to share the world, I mean the WHOLE WORLD with them! The irony is I put so much pressure (for no reason) on myself to be a perfect mommy and be there for everything when I realized, luckily very early on, that the best mommy I can be is well rounded in my own life and level headed for them :)
That's a great tip, and you offer it with terrific insights. You are right - words have a powerful effect upon our behaviors, and by consciously thinking of each other as girlfriend and boyfriend, you send a message not only to yourselves, but to your children as well! It is so important for them to see healthy role models in their parents; this even helps them have a more grounded value system about their own place in the universe! It's a win-win: you continue to nourish your adult relationship, which in turn nourishes your children. Thanks for adding this.
Marla
As the mother of young children, it may seem that I would not be able to relate to the years when the children leave the nest. However, as a divorced mother, I am without my children fifty percent of the time. At first, it was very difficult. Everything I did when they were with their dad was less fun because I could not help but think about how they would be enjoying what I was doing. As time went on and I regained my individuality, I learned to enjoy my time alone. Now, remarried, I am able to be a wife (the "honey" that you talk about) to my new husband. We have dates and dinners alone at home. We have time to talk about adult things. It makes a huge difference and I believe it is the reason so many second marriages are successful when the first failed. I am not advocating divorce by any means. I am only pointing out that through unfortunate circumstances, I discovered myself again and became a better mother because of it. So, don't wait for the kids to go to college. Do as this blog suggests and put your marriage and yourself right up there with your children ... everyone will benefit immensely and when they do leave the nest, it may be less of a shock. Another great result of bonding with your spouse is the wonderful example you will set for your children for their future relationships.
Fascinating perspective! Your comment adds valuable insight to this multi-layered relationship. Thanks for sharing.