Our kids are growing up in a 500-channel universe. They spend 44.5 hours weekly in front of an electronic screen. There is a 33 percent decline in families eating dinner together and a 100 percent drop in household conversations, according to a recent study done at the University of Minnesota.
Yet parents are perplexed because their children won't "friend" them on Facebook. They text their children to come downstairs for dinner. Two-year-olds are mimicking Mommy by "talking" on her (actual) cell phone.
The question is asked on sheknows.com: "Would you let a stranger spend several hours with your child, communicating values, distracting them from homework, creating separation and distance from family? Even worse, would you let a stranger into your child's bedroom?"
Let me assume that your answer is a resounding "no!"
What can we do to reconnect? Create a ritual that includes one-on-one time, such as reading together. One book that bridges the generation gap is Judi Barrett's "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs." The absurd tall tale provides lots of "food for thought." I can almost guarantee that you will find what to talk about when you discuss the people in the town of CHEWANDSWALLOW who eat whatever falls from the sky! Orange juice rain. Floating pancakes. Stale bread boats. Mashed potatoes blanketing the ground. Pickles in the living room. Hamburgers down the chimney....
Seriously consider a camp experience during the summer, where most camps' cultures rely upon severing the electronic tether in favor of activities that are connected to the natural world and friendships that require a conscious commitment of the five senses! Camp fosters social interaction and displaces the attraction of filling time with electronic pursuits.
Institute some family rules around the world of computers and cell phones and video games: No texting at the dinner table or in the car. A limit on hours of television-watching. A ban on games like Grand Auto Theft. No Game Boys during family time, which is dedicated occasions to do things with each other (maybe even watch TV together or designate a family check-in before bed or do something active with one another).
And here is the cardinal family rule: We eat dinner together! (Make Mealtime Family Time.) I don't say this lightly. I definitely recall the many nights when I was starving or the kids were sleepy or the husband was running late - but traditions are the stuff that character is made of, and I strongly believe that eating dinner together, at least several nights per week, is an inoculation against the potential damage of living in an electronic world.
This is one of my tried-and-true favorites, especially for pre-teens and teens: get them in the car with you and drive, drive, drive! They are captive, and if you are subtle enough, you can engage them in meaningful conversation. And be creative about other opportunities that simulate confinement. Trying times call for resourceful solutions. Check out Conversations on the Go: Clever Questions to Keep Teens and Grown-ups Talking.
George Santayana said, "The family is one of nature's masterpieces."
My last caveat, which I will revisit in more detail in future posts: you don't have to be your child's friend. S/he has many of those; but only one mom and one dad, or some variation thereof. You are the mentor, the coach, the referee, the cheerleader, the commissioner... you decide the rules of the game and then enforce them. They can protest, but you have the final word. No replays needed.
When they get to the Hall of Fame, i.e., become strong, competent, caring individuals, they will say, "Thank you."
No doubt, in an age where the Internet and technology continue to increase the number of people we have contact with in a day, it's a big challenge for family members to make time for each other. And there's something to be said for making sure that "Mom and Dad Time" isn't what gets sacrificed.
But it's dangerous to assume that all or most (or even some) of the people teens communicate with online are "strangers" and that online time is at-risk time. While it's certainly the case that "strangers" can be found everywhere -- including online -- it's also the case that technology has made it possible for far fewer of the people we connect with in a day to be strangers to us. If anything, the ability to reach beyond our immediate vicinity and make meaningful connections with people we otherwise wouldn't see on a regular basis can be a strong advantage to kids as they develop.
No parent ever complained that their child had too many friends. And while I guess you could make the case that it's hard for parents to get to know the friends their teens make online (so as to make sure their kids are making the "right kinds" of friends) the same case could be made for friends made at school or other places kids go without their parents.
Rather than reflexively distrusting and worrying about the time their kids spend online, parents might want to shift their focus to inoculating their kids against the real dangers kids face in socializing in unsupervised situations. For example, parents can use that valuable Mandatory Meal Time to engage kids to talk about their friends -- all their friends -- so that both teen and parent can gain comfort about each others' idea of "stranger".
Worried that your teen is socializing with unsavory types? Tell them so and ask them to them tell you about the people they're actually interacting with. Odds are good it'll be the same friends they know from school, camp, etc., plus some of those friends' friends. And even if there are some true "strangers" in their social networks, you'll at least have the opportunity to share your concerns and give them good parental advice.
The challenges of the virtual world, it turns out, aren't all that virtual. The parents who can make the leap and apply traditional parenting values to the modern landscape their teens occupy are the ones best preparing their kids for the future.
Excellent and provocative comments - I guess I was more focused "pro" quality time rather than "con" electronic media that I dropped the ball on positive points you make about positive uses of cell phones, Internet, Game Boys, etc. I obviously also get trapped in my Boomer mentality despite my efforts to understand the Net Generation. The challenge for parents, I think, is to utilize technology to enhance social interaction and also to feel comfortable in setting limits and stating expectations for family behaviors.
Hi! Just wanted to let you know that I am enjoying your blog. I check in every few days and catch up. I find it very enlightening. The stories you use remind me of a time not to long ago when they were very young; I can relate to each and every example. The latest entry really hit home especially since my kids have literally grown up in the electronic age. The one problem I find is that their communication skills with their peers seem to suffer. They can't seem to "talk it out" face to face when an issue arises between them. They would rather talk via text or chat where the translation gets lost in cyberspace. That just seems to escalate the situation. The importance of learning good communication skills comes from those parents like myself who are willing to: A - listen when their kids speak to them and B - teach their children about "talking face to face". They have to learn that communication is much more than words itself; it is also about facial cues and tone of voice. I have experienced the phenomenon of fighting via text with 1 of my children. I can tell you that at first she was very emphatic about not confronting the other party face to face because I don't think she had the confidence to do so. She was just as happy to settle the problem online. However, after much coaching, guidance and some hurt feelings because of misinterpretations, she will now pick up the phone and say "We need to talk. Can you come over". She has learned a very valuable lesson; one that she is willing to teach and share with others.
Thanks for the feedback! You are so right about socialization/communications skills - it takes an awareness and an effort to instill those skills today. I think Jordan makes some good points about the positives of electronics access, and you bring up an excellent issue on the subject. Since there is no "tone" expressed via electronic communication nor body language, kids don't always get enough practice in social competencies. Like anything else, it takes practice - and our job as parents is to provide some of those opportunities for practice.
Great input, Elena - thanks!